27. Overcome a fear

I’ve never quite had much fear in my life. I was always brave enough to go down to the kitchen in the night for a glass of water without turning on the kitchen lights as a child. Growing up, while other kids called for their parents in fright of bugs and critters, I smashed my palm to exterminate the life of the insect. I had the courage to stand up for things I believed in or talk back to authority when I thought I was being unfairly punished during my schooling. As an adult, I was not a second hesitant to jump off unstable steel crane structures to feel the thrill of “bungee jumping.” However, I had a particular fear that shook me to the core and elevated stress. Although I cannot concretely label my fear, I tend to simply call them ghosts. Some call them spirits, others call them demons, and many call them my creative imagination. Despite how others labeled my fear, the apparitions that I started to have since I entered college were the single most frightful concept to me and left me delirious and mentally unbalanced for many of my nights and mornings. Sleep paralysis left many of my nights sleepless, as I was left to ponder what scientific explanation could resolve my unsettled constitution and disordered processes of my mental state. Could it be, that my mental self would wake up before my physical self and experience such pressures and hallucinations? Or could it be true, that religion has a role in it and there were demonic spirits trying to reach me? To my memory, there were extreme instances where even my real world would be physically impacted due to these apparitions. Although I may never really find an answer to this fear, I do believe that my fear has diminished a bit with age. Over time, the frequency of the apparitions has been lower. I can’t quite say I’ve overcome my fear, but I do give less focus and attention to it and spend less time of my day trying to resolve my delirious mental state. Hopefully one day, I can figure out which factors in my life trigger my mental state enough for my inability to distinguish reality and my dreams, and proudly say that I’ve overcome this fear.