10. Learn to forgive and also say sorry

It was not easy though, to forgive those who hurt me whether intentional or not. The pains that were received at an early age were difficult to heal because it concretely shaped who I was as a woman. The pains that were received in my 20s were difficult to heal because it was a time when I was discovering myself and molding my identity. It was a time when I had already shaped into a certain individual, refining the last bits of my identity, and sealing the person I wanted to be. At such a vulnerable stage in my life, the pains received during that time came twofold, and forgiveness was even more difficult. It was easy to victimize myself and fault the other, a defensive mechanism I had formed from the pains I received at earlier points in my life. I had to learn to forgive and also ask for forgiveness, freeing myself of those chains that kept me bound to negativity, low self-esteem, and animosity. It was really really difficult. I struggled years to let it go. So, I started making a list of all the things that I did to those that hurt me, that were wrong or perceived as hurtful. Once I put myself in their shoes, I started to notice that I was not the only victim. Not that my wrong eliminates their wrong, but it made me more empathetic and perceptive. I then made another list of all the positive things that those same people brought into my life. As each positive aspect was recognized, it was easier to forgive past hurts and scars because I was beginning to appreciate the positives over the negatives. Although literally saying “sorry” to that person may be unnecessary or unwelcomed, I either tried to in person, and if unable, I said it to myself. I found it made a big difference to myself in acknowledging my apologetic confession, and it helped me to be more wise about my relationships and to be more considerate of others when it comes to my behaviors.