38. Let someone know how much he/she means to you

In the book, The 5 Love languages by Gary Chapman, there is discussion about how each individual has their own way of giving and receiving love. Upon reading the book and taking the online quiz, I found my love languages ranked in this order: Physical touch, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and gifts. I made my partner take this same quiz, and his results were very similar to mine: Quality time, physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, and gifts. This book inspired me to give love in a way where my partner was more receiving of the love I gave, instead of imposing the love that I thought was “right.” Fortunately for us, our love language was very similar to each other, which made it naturally easy for us to express our feelings.

Quality time: I realized my partner prioritized this love language and for us, it was difficult because I lived in New York City and he lived in Washington D.C. Although we would make efforts to go to either city every other week, for someone who’s number one love language was quality time, it was not enough. Hours of video chatting were just not quite quality enough and physically spending time together was needed. As soon as I could, I decided to make the move to Washington D.C. Although I was still attending school, I only went to classes Mondays and Tuesdays. I took time to ask my partner if he was okay will driving me to union station and back for 2 months, while I commuted on a weekly basis to New York City. So, he would drive me every Monday morning to Union Station, I’d commute from there to NYC, then Wednesday morning I’d commute back, and have him pick me up. As our biweekly meets turned into seeing each other 5 days a week, my partner seemed more at peace and was more motivated each day at work.

Physical touch: With more extended days of quality time, naturally there was in increase in our physical touch, which was my number one. Both my partner and I with our extended time in our quality time, naturally formed a tender touch culture of which we would always be holding hands, giving and receiving massages, and embracing. This culture was not only a physical intimacy but also an emotional intimacy because it communicated to the other that we care for them, which brought us close physically and figuratively.

d. Words of Affirmation: Luckily for me, writing is a strength. I feel that I express myself better through writing than verbally. Although NYC and DC aren’t that far apart, I used that opportunity to send postcards, letters, or whatever creative method I could come up with to send words of affirmation. When I was in Korea for 4 months during the summer, I would write and send letters on top of the daily messages we sent to each other via social media. On special occasions, instead of buying a card, I would handmake the card and try to come up with creative ways to express my appreciation and gratitude for having someone like him in my life.

Act of Service: This category was a bit difficult for me, as my partner is pretty much better at everything that I am in most practicalities of life. He’s better at cooking, working, handling logistics, you name it. He’s even better at grocery shopping! I tend to be clumsy often, so cutting vegetables or doing the dishes don’t always end up done right. Despite all this, I always want to do something for my partner so that he has one less thing to do when he gets off work, like house chores. Still, this is a category I need to be more creative on and strive to tend to better.

Gifts: My partner says he hates gifts all the time. Many people use the golden rule when giving gifts. “Do unto others as you would have done unto yourself.” But that’s not very ideal! Why would you get them something you want and not what they want or need? I decided then to use the reverse golden rule. “Do unto others as they would have wanted done unto themselves.” In the beginning months of the relationship, I had to guess what gift would be good to give him. As I hadn’t been sure he would like it, it surely showed in his decrease use of the items. On one of our anniversaries I finally got around to getting a pair of shoes he had been talking about for some time, and he now wears them every day and practically cuddles it daily. Project “change my bf's wardrobe” failed but at least my man’s happy.